Everybody loves Elizabeth
by MillionMoments
Summary: AU. McWeir. Rodney has to eliminate the competition.
1. Daniel Jackson

Title: Everybody loves Elizabeth

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: Rodney/Elizabeth, Jack/Elizabeth, Daniel/Elizabeth, Chuck/Elizabeth, Zelenka/Elizabeth, Daniel/Vala

Category: Humour, Romance

Summary: Eliminating the competition, when you may not be the best candidate for the job, takes a genius. Luckily Rodney McKay had a lot of genius lying about in that head of his.

A/N: Part of thelibraryau, where characters from SG-1 all live and work in an alternative reality city. Elizabeth is a librarian, Rodney a physics teacher. Prequel to "The Library".

Chapter 1: Daniel Jackson

The path to gaining Elizabeth's heart (well not even that, just getting her to say yes to dinner would have been an achievement) was fraught with obstacles. Those obstacles mainly took the form of other men. An outside observer may well think that, by the number of admirers Elizabeth Weir had, that she was the only eligible woman in the city. This, of course, was not true, and Rodney had theorised that her very public job meant that she simply came into contact with more men thus gaining their attention.

So, Rodney was faced with a lot of competition. Luckily, he'd always been competitive. His main disadvantage was that Elizabeth might actually like some of the (many) other men vying for her affections more than him. His main advantage was of course his genius. His father had been severely disappointed in him when he had chosen to become a mere physics teacher, often asking why he was not more like Jeannie. But being a physics teacher now meant that he could take all that genius lying in reserve, and apply it to winning the heart of one Elizabeth Weir.

And so follows a record of how Rodney McKay eliminated the competition.

From the moment he had seen the two talking, when Elizabeth had come in for the careers open day, Rodney McKay had known Daniel Jackson was trouble. Well not in the traditional sense, but he would sure to get in the way of Rodney's plans. When he looked at the pair of them objectively, he realised that they were really very well suited. Firstly they were both librarians, Daniel here at the school and Elizabeth at the central public library. They also both had an interest in politics, many a time Rodney had surreptitiously made notes in the staff room whilst Daniel ranted away about some injustice in the world, so he would later be able to keep up with Elizabeth when she started up on the same topic. And Daniel wasn't exactly ugly, so on the whole, things did not look good.

Rodney felt he only really had till the end of the day to figure out a plan. Daniel was a little in awe of Elizabeth, and he just wasn't the kind who easily asked a woman out. Elizabeth, however, would have no issues what-so-ever with asking Daniel out.

But, being the genius he was, it did not take him long to think of a plan. For he knew he had something in his power, a natural resource, that Daniel Jackson was completely and utterly unable to control: one Vala Mal Doran.

Now, Vala Mal Doran was actual trouble, not just trouble for Rodney. Actually she wasn't trouble for Rodney at all. Vala was a former student on the school, well known for her practical jokes, insane questions and flirtatious nature. During her time at the school the only teacher who ever seemed to have any control over her was Rodney. He suspected this was because of his willingness to teach her several things that were not on the curriculum, such as hot wiring cars and breaking into safes. He figured she wasn't actually going to use these things for any real, but he did check with the police that there hadn't been a series of clever robberies after the lock picking lesson.

After graduation Vala returned to the school as a teaching assistant, most people assumed Colonel O'Neill had been drunk that day but Vala was extremely good with some of the wilder students. She got them to learn the way in the same way Rodney had taught her, by showing students slightly more exciting ways what they learnt could be applied. Rodney suspected Vala was probably just doing this as a stop gap, perhaps to give back a little to the people she had tortured for so many years.

It was well known that Vala Mal Doran greatly coveted Daniel Jackson. She spent many, many hours of her day driving him crazy with her own unique brand of flirting. Many a time over coffee in the lab prep room she had jokingly told McKay about how many of Daniel's children she intended to bear, or what the bridesmaids would wear at their wedding. Most people didn't take her seriously, but McKay thought she genuinely liked him. Probably because he was the only other member of staff to be truly welcoming, apart from himself, when Vala returned.

Thus all Rodney really had to do was warn Vala that she, like Rodney, had competition.

He had found her helping a student in the chemistry lab. He patiently waited for her to be done, double checked they were alone, and then launched into the story.

Luckily for Rodney, Daniel had to take his lunch after other members of staff because he was needed to man the library which was normally frequented at lunch hour by desperate students trying to finish homework due in for the afternoon sessions. This meant he'd not had the chance to eat lunch with Elizabeth Weir, and she, therefore, could not have asked him out.

Rodney had calculated that the most likely time Elizabeth would next see Daniel would probably be at the end of the school day, when she might pop in to say goodbye, amongst over things.

"Vala, I strongly suggest that you be in the library as soon as possible after the end of school bell rings. I think another woman is trying to get her claws in Jackson, as you would so elegantly put it I'm sure. I'm sure if you're there and you're normal flirtatious self, it would throw a spanner in the works. Just keep talking over her, you're good at that!"

Vala raised her eyebrows at him and gave him a careful look. Rodney regretted the comment about her talking over everyone, but her next question showed she wasn't actually concerned with that

"And who would this mystery woman be? It's not that lunch lady is it? Because she so does not have a chance!"

"No," Said Rodney, nervously glancing over his shoulder every 10 seconds – he was paranoid Elizabeth was going to walk in or something. "It's one of the people here for the careers open day."

Rodney saw the cogs turning in Vala's head as she came to a realisation.

"Well, Rodney, I really appreciate you giving me this warning. I have to say though it isn't very, well, _you_, to look out for somebody else's love life – even if you are friends with them. Which leads me to conclude that you have more invested in this little tip than just my feelings," She looked at him smugly. He tried not to squirm, he really did.

She just leant across the desk, and stared him down. Many a man had broken under that gaze and confessed all sorts of things – which is why Vala was the person to go to in order to find out anything about anybody. McKay was no stronger than the countless men before him, and after thirty seconds finally blurted out the truth in the form of a name.

"Elizabeth Weir!"

Vala sat back, that smug look still plastered across her face, and began to coolly examine her nails, "One assumes this is the name of the woman who you think is after Daniel?"

Rodney simply nodded, though Vala didn't look up she seemed to know that he had responded, "And it would be a logical assumption that you do not want Daniel and Elizabeth together as much as, in fact maybe more, than I do?"

She looked up this time when Rodney nodded, and the smug look turned into a great big trademark Vala smile, "Rodney, you old dog!"

Rodney was a bit confused.

"So you're after this Weir woman eh? Isn't she the head librarian at the public library? You should have told me sooner I could have imparted some advice. Well don't you worry Darling, I'll be there when that bell rings to make sure your Elizabeth doesn't ask my Daniel out!"

Before McKay could speak further, Vala had swept out of the room leaving him to wonder what exactly she had planned.

Rodney met Elizabeth as she came out of giving a talk to some very bored looking seniors. Honestly young people today couldn't appreciate talent when they saw it.

"How did it go?" He asked, falling into step beside her. He noted with both satisfaction and trepidation that she was heading down the corridor towards the library, rather than the exit.

"I don't think they were exactly enthralled with the life of a librarian," she replied, giving him a lopsided smile that had odd effects on his stomach.

"They all watch too much television," Rodney said, mostly to distract himself from the butterflies he must have swallowed at some point without noticing that were trying to fight their way out of his alimentary canal. "They all wanted to be CSIs or surgeons."

That statement earnt him a quiet chuckle, even though it was actually the truth and not intended as a joke.

"Where you off to?" He asked casually, like he was just being polite in enquiring, not actually interested because he had an elaborate plan in place to ensure she never looked twice at Daniel Jackson again.

"I was just going to pop to see that lovely school librarian of yours before I leave," she replied brightly, "he has some very interesting opinions on the war in Iraq and I was hoping that he would agree to coffee to discuss them further."

Rodney tried to keep what Sam Carter had nicknamed the 'you've ripped my heart out' look off his face. Of course with her most of the time it was faked...

"Well," said Rodney, slightly stiffly, "please allow me to escort you up there."

Elizabeth shot him a slightly suspicious look but nodded her head in agreement anyway. They climbed the stairs discussing inane things like the weather and eventually found themselves outside the double doors that led to the library.

"Well, Rodney, I'll probably see you at the library tomorrow. You do have two books due," she reminded him in a teasing tone. Darn, she was going to leave him outside the door. Luckily he remembered that gentlemen open doors for ladies.

"You will Elizabeth, here let me just get this door for you," he said, rather loudly in the hope Vala could hear him.

When Elizabeth stepped through he saw her expression immediately change to shocked, he really hoped Vala hadn't killed Daniel in a jealous rage – she didn't seem the type. Nudging the door open a little more, the scene he beheld could only be described as priceless. Vala must have literally jumped into Jackson's arms and was kissing him senseless. It didn't even matter that Daniel was making a concerted effort to push Vala off, McKay was sure Elizabeth wasn't about to wade into that embrace to ask Daniel out now. It wasn't exactly what he had planned when he'd asked Vala to be up here, but it certainly did the trick.

Beside him, Elizabeth gracefully took a step backwards shutting the door and proceeded to burst into laughter. In fact Rodney had never seen her in hysterics like this before. Hee couldn't blame her though, and soon joined her, the look of a terrified animal that could be seen on Jackson's face (when Vala's wasn't obscuring it) was hilarious.

"Oh my goodness," said Elizabeth, wiping a tear from her eye. "I hope he doesn't have that kind of effect on the students!"

McKay grinned, "Oh he's definitely the school heart throb."

Elizabeth composed herself, and as they walked away she said, "Well I think Mr. Jackson's mouth was a little to busy to discuss the War in Iraq, don't you?"

Rodney felt his mission had been accomplished. He so owed Vala.


	2. Jack and Zelenka

Chapter 2: Radek Zelenka and Jack O'Neill

Rodney really should have thought about who was going to be at the MENSA meeting before he convinced Elizabeth to come along. She hadn't wanted to, she told Rodney he was just pretending she had the right kind of IQ so he could show off his intelligence to her in an appropriate environment. She'd also said something about 'how a gathering of geeks isn't her thing unless they've all been reading Austen'.

Rodney quietly listened to the conversation from outside of the door. What he could hear was Elizabeth and Radek (that traitor, he so knew how he felt about her) having a very lively conversation about Prague. Elizabeth sounded very enthusiastic, and Radek was speaking with a slightly softened accent in the kind of shy, intelligent way Elizabeth loved. No doubt he'd taken notes from Daniel Jackson just to annoy him.

Rodney risked peaking around the corner to try to get a visual on the couple's body language – not that he was any good at reading body language. But then again, between these two it was very much obvious. Currently Elizabeth was coyly feeling the fabric of Radek shirt, was Radek complemented her skirt which he said he recognised as a designer from Prague.

What kind of man could recognise a skirt as a certain designer? Mind Radek's mother had been a designer herself, which must be how he could tell. This was just great, now he had to come up with another plan. Rodney suspected that Radek wouldn't hesitate to go out with Elizabeth Weir just to annoy him. He always lost when they played chess, but winning Elizabeth Weir would top every single one of Rodney's victories in that department.

He slunk down the corridor a few steps, hid the chess set he was holding in a flash of inspiration, and then walked towards the room again with nice, heavy footfalls so they would know he was coming. Radek looked perfectly innocent when he rounded the corner, of course Elizabeth looked bright and happy – she hardly had anything to hide did she?

"Radek," said Rodney tightly, trying to keep the I-am-going-to-rip-your-spleen-out-later-and-make-you-eat-it tone out of his voice. "Would you mind going to get the chess set from your car it would appear I leant mine to, uh, Vala. I forgot."

Radek was defiantly suspicious, but he could hardly call Rodney on his bluff. Instead he nodded, smiled warmly at Elizabeth, and left the room. Rodney could hear him practically running down the corridor, clearly he didn't have long.

He turned to face Elizabeth, hands in pockets to give the impression he was relaxed, "Wow you two seemed to be getting along nicely when I came in! Have you met before?"

"No! It's wonderful to meet somebody else who knows Prague so well, it's one of my favourite cities in the world. I went on a six month exchange there whilst at college."

"Really? You never told me that. I'd like to go someday," Rodney said these things really only to fill in the time before Elizabeth asked _that_ question.

"Tell me, do you know if he's single?" And there it was. One day he was going to learn how to be as bold as her when it came to the opposite sex, then he might finally ask her out.

"He is, but I don't think you're his type," he said. Now he just needed to think of a damn good reason why Elizabeth couldn't possibly be his type. And she was looking at him in that way that meant she wasn't just going to be satisfied with that for an answer.

"What makes you say that? I mean we both love Prague, he even knows about designers – we've got plenty to talk about there. I'm sure a little more conversation would reveal other things we have in common," she said, this is what Rodney could only describe as a suspicious tone. "What are you jealous?"

It was tempting to say yes, but he didn't think jealousy was the kind of thing that impressed Elizabeth. She was always moaning about heartbroken ex's of John's bickering outside of the library with whoever his current girl was. Besides, something she had just said had given him an idea that might just work out.

"Oh no it's not that at all. Radek is, uh," Damn what were they calling it these days? So many terms... "Gay. Radek is gay. That's how I know you're defiantly not his type!"

Elizabeth showed only a little surprise, but it was there on her face, "Really I didn't pick that up...not that I'm an expert or anything. Are you sure?"

"Oh yes, I mean come on, how many straight men could recognise what designer made your skirt?" He saw some kind of realisation dawn on Elizabeth's face and she looked down at her own skirt. "Oh and there is the fact he has a huge crush on me."

At that, Elizabeth immediately looked up her face lit with interest, "Really?"

Oh he had so dug himself into a hole here, "Yes, of course I'm not interested in men, it's really quiet hard for him to deal with – poor guy."

"But you told me you two fight all the time!"

"Well, yes, I think he picks fights with me over little things to try to cope with his real emotions. Sometimes grown ups can be just like teenagers..."

Elizabeth's face became a mask of sympathy, "Oh yes it makes sense. Poor guy. It must be hard for him to even just be friends with you."

"Well I'm sure he'll get over it eventually. I wouldn't let a little crush get in the way of our friendship," Rodney said humbly. He was so gaining points here, Vala had told him women loved men who were confident enough in their own sexuality to hang out with gay men. He just hadn't believed her until now.

Just then they heard Radek coming back, Rodney held a finger to his lips indicating Elizabeth should keep quiet about their conversation and she nodded in response.

Another one down, God knew how many more to go...

The rest of the evening went well, Sam Carter even turned up though she mostly sat in the corner with Elizabeth chatting. Turned out they'd had the odd conversation at Chuck's bar. Rodney was paranoid they were talking about him until he got close enough to hear some kind of conversation about tractors in the Ukraine. Sam left early, as she had left some experiment running. At the end of the evening only Rodney and Elizabeth we're left tidying up.

"Rodney, is there a restroom I could use?"

"Oh yes, go out the door and left, right at the end of the corridor, it should be unlocked."

She turned to go out of the door, and Rodney bent down to pick over a dropped chess piece when he heard an almighty "Ompf!"

"I am so sorry!" Elizabeth cried.

He turned to see that she most have walked straight out into the path of Jack O'Neill, the headmaster, who had been carrying a hell of a lot of files at the time and probably hadn't seen her. Said files were now spread down the corridor.

However O'Neill didn't seem too bothered by this. He was smiling at Elizabeth like the ninth graders smiled at Vala, patting his hair down and telling her that really, it didn't matter.

'Oh come on!' Rodney thought. 'I already came up with one plan tonight now I have to find another!'

He quickly ran forward to where Elizabeth and O'Neill had started gathering the files up, "It's okay Elizabeth I'll do this! You get on with whatever you were doing!"

She smiled gratefully and informed them both she'd be back in a moment, before hurrying along the corridor. O'Neill watched her retreat until she was out of sight.

"New additions to your Mensa club then McKay?"

"Well I just brought her along for the evening so she could see what we did."

"Haven't I seen her around?" O'Neill asked as he stuffed some papers back into a folder.

"She's Elizabeth Weir, the public librarian. She was here last month for the careers day."

"Oh yes," he said offhandedly, probably not listening as he kept checking the end of the hall for her return.

"She's a lesbian!"

This statement shocked not only O'Neill, but Rodney himself. He wasn't quite sure why he'd said it. Apparently his brain was running low on ideas and so was trying to kill two birds with the same kind of stone.

"She's a lesbian?" Jack repeated, the man looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"Oh yes, only likes women! I'm one of the few men she doesn't hate!"

O'Neill picked up the last of the files off the floor and took the load Rodney was holding for him, "You know, McKay, you could've just said you were interested and I'd have backed off."

And with that, Jack O'Neill wandered down the corridor muttering 'lesbian' and chuckling to himself.


End file.
